The things I do for you people.

So, Ogre and I spent all of Monday night reading synopses on every streaming service the household has and not actually watching anything.  So tonight (Tuesday) I say, “Seriously, we have to watch something. Because I can’t just keep bitching about social isolation and other life bullshit. And there’s no good nerd drama going on right now.”

So, we’re flipping through Amazon Prime Video, and he sees RiffTrax – The Sword and the Sorcerer and says, “Oh, yeah! I watched this a lot when I was twelve, because boobs! And Fantasy!”

Not having any better ideas, I say, “All right, start it.”

You guys, I do not know how I missed this movie in the 80s, because I am a terrible movie aficionado from way back, but holy fuck this is a terrible movie.

It has Richard Moll, you know, Bull from Night Court in some of the worst prosthetic make up I have ever seen.  It has the guy who played Frank on Murphy Brown in a supporting role.

It stars Lee Horsely.

Excuse me, “stars” Lee Horsely.

I knew I knew that name so I googled him.  He played Archie Baldwin in the short-lived Nero Wolfe network television show starring William Conrad.  And in the TV show Matt Houston,

Um, so they cut the boobs out because it’s Rifftrax, but that is also the only redeeming feature now that the boobs are gone.

It’s bad, you guys.  So bad.

This movie has so many tone changes it gave me whiplash.  It’s serious, it’s action. It’s a slapstick comedy.

Oh, wait!  Boobs!!!! They left the boobs in.  This film was immeasurably better for about a minute.

Oh, man, the Rifftrax guys are knocking it out of the park: An old guy stumbles in a cave, and tells the rest of the Rebels to go on without him  “Wait! Is this the origin of “I’m too old for this shit?”

This movie is so bad, you guys. I must love you.

Even by 1980s standards, this movie is pretty bad.  The costuming is all over the place. Most of the fight action takes place off-camera, the fights that don’t are… not good.

Also, big difference between building tension and shit pacing.

I have never seen one movie with such badly matched film quality, leaps in tone and music, and wow..

Ok, now that I have suffered for you.  The movie is crap, but the jokes are pretty great.  Although even they can’t save it from dragging in places.  A lot less slow than it would have been otherwise.

So, yeah, if you have fond memories of this film from your adolescence… skip it.  If you have never seen it and love Rifftrax, then definitely watch this version.  I’ll be honest, it did make me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe a few times.   So definitely worth it.

So, now that I’ve suffered for you.  I’m going to bed.

If you like what you read here, or want to help fund my desperate need of brain bleach after watching this, please consider donating using the link at the top right of the page:  Keep Us Geeking, or checking out my Patreon.  Thank you!

Also, if you’d like to see what sort of fiction I write when left to my own devices, please feel free to check out my fiction Patreon, Nothing Nice Comes Out of My Head.