Ok, I love ThinkGeek.com as much as the next nerd with occasional disposable income.  But sometimes, man…

These images were on their “Valentine’s” email:

  

Really?  A scarf?  While he gets the super cool Captain America shield backpack I’ve been coveting for a year?

Sexist much?

Now, to cut them some slack, on the page of Valentine’s gifts you can click through to a page where they are all scrumbled up and mashed together with no regard for gender, or you can click the categories, but still, the email pissed me off.

And guys, I’m going to do you a favor here.

Look, I don’t care how cool that scarf is, if I know that a Captain America shield backpack is one of the options, and you got me a scarf?  Your ass is sleeping in the garage.  Because obviously you know nothing about me.

I have scarves.  Tons of them.  Because scarves are what you get for the department admin who saved your ass by letting you turn in your paper late, or helped you navigate the application materials, or who managed to get your letter of rec written by the chronically late faculty member and mailed on time.  Scarves are what small children by moms and grandmas before they’ve learned how to shop.  Or what you buy your admin staff when you’re going to Paris and want to get them something chic.

Boyfriends, husbands, word of warning:  UNLESS YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND/FEMALE FRIEND (look at that, female used as an adjective modifying the noun friend, take note Ferengis) HAS SPECIFICALLY SAID, “BUY ME THIS SCARF!” don’t do it.  Just don’t.  It’s a terrible idea that will end in a lackluster, at best, Valentine’s Day for everyone.

Jewelry? Yes, especially the BB-8 necklace.

Flowers?  Yes.

Stuffed animals?  Yes, especially the Plush Unicorns Bouquet.

But mostly, the best Valentine’s Day tip I can give for any dude, nerd or otherwise, or lady, nerd or otherwise, is listen to the person you want to buy a Valentine’s gift for.  Listen to what they’re enthused about, what they play, what they listen to, even boring mundane shit they talk about.  I mean, how else would you find out that they broke their headphones/earbuds and need a new pair?  Look at the art they choose to hang on their wall, the shows they watch, the movies they buy, the books they keep.  Those are going to be your best Valentine’s gift tips ever.

Have they told you a story about how they’ve always wanted to collect unicorns and for some bizarre ass reason, their family instead decided they should collect white rabbits?  If that sounds specific, it is.  I have no earthly idea to this day what caused, “I really like unicorns,” to translate in my parents’ heads to “White rabbits, we’ll get her white rabbits!” But I can count on one hand the number of unicorns I received as a child, while I have a fucking wardrobe box full of white bunnies.

Listen to those stories, the stuff they still complain about not getting as a kid (Seriously, I still love unicorns), and mine those for Christmas and Valentine’s and Birthday presents.  Trust me.  You will get high marks for actually listening to what they said and knowing what they want.