This is a thing I say a lot.  Usually about the media, or other folks.

Today I’m saying this to me.

It isn’t every day that you see real, honest to gods proof that something you didn’t do twenty years ago had super negative repercussions, concrete repercussions, that you can’t fucking ignore if you’re a halfway decent person.

Back in the day I wanted to do the right thing, but I let myself be coaxed out of it for dozens of different reasons.

Yeah, well, that was the wrong fucking answer.

The fact of the matter is, I fucked up.  I didn’t do enough to make sure something never happened again, and it did.  That’s on me.

So, yeah, after a morning of wallowing and eating my feelings, I’m ready to start thinking of some ways I can actively do better, and make amends, even if its just in my own fucking head and heart.

I’m going to be researching things, organizations who do good work in this area, people who are working to make positive change happen, trying to figure out where I can direct my dollars and efforts to do the most good.

So, yeah, sorry for the vague-booking here, I’m not feeling particularly brave right now.

I’ll be seeking out and listening to people who are knowledgeable in the area.

It’s not enough to WANT to do the right thing, you have to actually DO the right thing.  Even when everyone around you is telling you all the reasons you shouldn’t do the thing.  And yes, often times doing the right thing has negative repercussion for you and other people near the situation.

In this case, I don’t know that those possible repercussions outweighed the thing.  I’m really not.

So, yeah, sometimes you get a wake up call that you haven’t always been the person you’d like to be, and you aren’t even sure if you’ve made it there yet.

But you have to keep trying.

Sit with how that knowledge makes you feel, really think about it.

Then sit down and come up with measurable actions to do better going forward.

Maybe some day I’ll tell you guys what the situation is, but right now I’m a little raw and a little tired.

Mostly I wanted to point out that we all fuck up, no matter how good our intentions.  And while we need to hold ourselves accountable and recognize our culpability, we also need to not walk around in a hair shirt publicly flagellating ourselves.

A. Especially when it isn’t really about us (this really isn’t).
B. That kind of performative penance is bullshit.

Recognize what you did or didn’t do.  Acknowledge it. Then make plans to Do Better.  And follow them.

Anyway, I have shit ton of writing to do, and I need to work out and someone wants to inflict the grocery store on me. Ugh.  I hate grocery shopping, I turn into a five year, and drag my feet and whine the entire time.

That really isn’t an exaggeration.  I really fucking hate grocery shopping.

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