Geek Girls Rule! #450 – More on Being Who You Are

Hey, guess who just discovered she’d fucked up the numbering on the posts several months ago, and spent Sunday morning putting it right?


Also, I am going to talk about the dumpster fire that is Green Ronin’s Harassment Policy, but I want to write it out and share that with people I know who work there so they can, hopefully, address the shortcomings and clear some shit up.  If not, you’ll get the dissection post.

So, that bit of housekeeping out of the way, I want to talk some more about Being Who You Are.  Last post I talked about how Being Who You Are is not a “get out of asshole free” card.  Nor is it a license to be inappropriate at work or anywhere else.

This time I want to talk about the assholes.  There is a place for assholes in this world.  For most of us, asshole is a temporary state that occurs when we’ve had a shit day, or someone does something that offends or angers us and we react WAY out of proportion.  The reason we react way out of proportion to someone bumping into us on the bus, or doing whatever may be that we have had a shit day, someone died, it’s a button installed by family relationships or former relationships, whatever.  But regardless of the reason we react out of proportion, it’s still an asshole move.  Because that person is not responsible for your behavior and mental well-being.

And there are people who do, in fact, live their lives being assholes to everyone they meet, except, likely, people they want something from.

Now, some people are perfectly content to be the forever alone asshole.  They don’t like people, they aren’t interested in interacting with people except inasmuch as is avoidable, and they see no reason to change, as what they are and what they want is perfectly compatible.  If that’s you, go you.  Have a great time. This is not to be conflated with asexual or aromantic people who do not want sex or romance.  That is an entirely different thing.  Nor does it mean people who are perfectly nice, but prefer to be alone.  No, I’m talking about people who are legit assholes AND content to be alone.

But those folks are pretty rare, because a lot of the time asshole-ish behavior springs from needs/desires not being met in some way.  See the particularly odious group of humans on the internet calling themselves “incel” or “involuntarily celibate.”

Yeah, I’m going there.  Buckle up, Buttercup.

Here’s the thing that I’m guessing a lot of these guys don’t get:  relationships are give and take.  They involve compromise, sometimes a lot of compromise.  Sometimes you get off easy and there’s not a lot for you to compromise on.  But mostly it’s a lot of compromise.  As I’ve said before, you’re still the same two assholes you were before you got together, only now, you have decided to force yourself to live in close proximity to someone else.

Also, if you want to attain a partner, you need to attract a partner.  And, as human beings are the only animal that gets to choose its plumage specifically to attract a mate, that sometimes means changing things about how you dress, your hygiene routine, etc…

Now, do not do this if it isn’t a long term change you intend to keep up.  THAT is false advertising.  And I’m not talking about aging and the inevitable weight gain, or loss, that comes with aging.  I’m talking about springing for decent haircuts and one good “on the prowl” outfit, and then once you think you’ve got her hooked, you revert to being Lister from Red Dwarf.  If you’re going to change your appearance to meet a woman, make sure it’s a change that you want to or are willing to invest in for the long haul.

Trust me, guys, women are already doing this.

And let me warn you, you can do everything that magazines tell you to do to attract a woman, and still fail if women can sense that you don’t view us as full human beings, but rather something to obtain that you think will be a sex spigot at your whim, combined with maid, cook, and mom.

And we can tell.

No one owes you a relationship.  Not even your family owes you any kind of relationship, and that’s a different post.

If you view a woman as a goal or a trophy, rather than an equal partner, then get thee to a therapist and WORK ON YOUR SHIT.  Because you’ve got some deep-seated issues that you need to work on.  They may come from your upbringing, religion, our misogynist culture, or any number of sources.  But that is some broken shit you need to fix before you try to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

If your vision of a relationship is you come home from work, and your wife, who is likely also working in this economy because very few people can get by on one salary, cooks you dinner, has the house spotless, makes you a drink and then massages your feet, while coquettishly batting her eyes at you, you need a drastic revision to your idea of a relationship.

Because that relationship never really existed outside of television and movies.  I know that everyone lauds WWII as the thing that “freed women to work outside the home,” but that is legit bullshit.  Women, especially lower income women, have always worked outside the home, on top of keeping house and raising children.  In a stunning display of insight for a dude, Vladimir Lenin referred to this as “Women’s second shift.”  You have a full time job cleaning someone else’s home, in a factory, in an office, in a department store, as a seamstress, and then you get to come home to a second full time job, taking care of your living space, children, and, it’s implied, husband.  WWII may have liberated upper middle class women to feel as though THEY could work outside the home, but for the majority of women in the world, all it changed was for a while they could get slightly higher wages for working just as hard as men worked, but not get paid the same.

Sorry, didn’t mean to go off the rails on a history lesson.

The thing is, relationships are partnerships, you have to like and respect the person you marry/move in with, even if you don’t know if you love them for reals, you have to like and respect them.    Because they can leave.

And if you think it’s your right to slap “your woman” or any woman around, you really fucking need therapy.  A LOT OF THERAPY. Because that shit is not all right.  That does double for thinking you can rape a wife or partner with impunity because they somehow “owe you.”

But what this all boils down to is that relationships are compromise, and attracting someone you like, are attracted to, and could see yourself loving, and who can love you back, takes work.  You need to work on yourself, to be the kind of person who can have a healthy relationship.  You need to work on your view of those you want to have a relationship with. You need to make yourself attractive to that particular demographic. And you need to remember that no matter who you are, how good you are, how good-looking you are, or how much money you have, no one owes you a relationship.*  No one.

*Or sex.  I don’t care how much you spent on dinner.


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