Ok, I am going to go over this one more time. Spurred on by yet another Twitter discussion. Parties can out themselves here if they so desire.
No one is trying to demonize honestly awkward dudes of any age with the phrase “Nice Guy ™.” “Nice Guys” aren’t actually awkward. They generally know exactly what they’re doing. And we call them “nice guys” because that’s what they call themselves. If you have issues with this label, then perhaps you should take that up with the douchebags who are co-opting the title, instead of the women who are calling them out on their bad behavior.
The “Nice Guy ™” thing stems from men who think that they can “earn” sex by pretending to be “nice” or pretending to be friends with the objects of their affection. The reason that we call them “Nice Guys” is because that’s how they self-identify. And it’s a warning sign that they aren’t actually nice, because actual nice people don’t have to tell you they’re nice, you’ll figure it out on your own. There are two main types of these: The guys who are quietly your “friend” and hope some day you’ll give in to their quiet pressure, best characterized in this XKCD strip. The other type are the ones who DO hit on you openly, and when you initially turn them down, come back with, “But I’m a Nice Guy.” However, shoot them down again and that facade drops quickly, “Didn’t want to fuck you anyway, fat, ugly, cunt.”
But in a twist what I’d like to talk to you about this time is what this shit does to the girls and women (or anyone else) that “Nice Guys” prey on.
Now the second type of guy, while he can hurt your feelings, is usually pretty easy to get over. A snarled, “Fuck off, dickhead,” usually gets rid of them pretty quick. They can escalate into drink-throwing or physical violence, but mostly not.
The first type of guy, however, can be a devastating lesson in how much of society views women as objects and not people. Sometimes these guys will come on to you, and then pretend to be your friend afterwards until they think they’ve built up enough “points” to have earned sex, and sometimes they don’t ever come on to you and then pretend to be your friend until they think they’ve built enough points to have earned sex. When they do make their “decisive” move, and you turn them down, or if you get a new boyfriend or engaged, you will frequently be subject to a catalog of everything they have ever done for you, as an explanation for why you owe them sex, or why you’re a worthless cunt who “led them on and toyed with their feelings.”
I cannot even describe to you what it feels like to find out someone you trusted doesn’t actually view you as a friend, or even a person.
It really is one of the worst feelings in the world. You trusted this person with your secrets, your feelings, and then they turn around and tell you that all they saw those things as were obstacles to navigate in pursuit of the pussy.
Now, one of the reasons I bring this up here is because Nerd Culture has more than it’s fair share of “nice guys.” And it also has a lot of girls who think that they have to put up with this shit, or who feel that it’s their fault, because they should be grateful for any male attention if they aren’t conventionally attractive.
This is unequivocally, absolutely bullshit.
I’m about to tell you why, and this is something I talk about during my Health At Every Size panels: Beauty is Subjective. There is no rational, objective standard of beauty. Everyone has different things they find attractive. I go absolutely gaga over Tom Hiddleston, my sister thinks he’s too skinny and unattractive, but finds Vincent D’Onofrio to be the epitome of attractiveness. Some people like short, chubby people, some people like tall, slender people or any combination thereof. No one person is the arbiter of attractiveness.
So, no, you do not need to be grateful for any attention someone of your preferred gender shows you. Nor do you have to put up with emotionally manipulative, dishonest, bullshit in the guise of “friendship.” If someone is your friend, they will want you to be happy whether that includes putting out for them or not. If they have feelings for you, will they be disappointed if you wind up with someone else? Well, yeah. They’re only human. Happens to everyone. We all don’t always get who and what we want. Grown ups, however, do not deliver a catalog of everything they’ve ever “done for you, you ungrateful whore!” at peak volume in a hotel lobby. I’m just saying.*
Basically, what I’m here to tell you guys is that being “nice” to someone is not a payment you make for sex. You cannot be “nice” enough to deserve sex. No one deserves sex. In the words of @NaughtyNerdy from twitter: “Girls are not machines that you put Kindness Coins into until sex falls out.”
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