(Originally published at Media Gauntlet)

Okay, now that we have you all clean, good-smelling and well-dressed, you’re ready to find yourself a Geek Girl. Where do you look?

Anywhere you normally find Geek Boys: game stores, comic shops, book stores, in line for the latest Fantasy/Sci-Fi movie extravaganza, libraries, the anime section of your local video store, checking out the latest issue of Scientific American at the newsstand, Game Stop or any other electronics boutique.

So, you spot the Geek Girl. There she is, flipping through the latest issue of Uncanny X-Men, wearing a JTHM t-shirt. What do you do? How do you approach her?

“Hi, how are you?”
“Hi, you into the X-Men?”
“Hi, that issue is really awesome!”

Seriously, that’s it.

NEVER use any of those cheesy, lame pick up lines that “men’s” magazines like Maxim or Stuff keep trying to propagate. Don’t even think about saying the following:

“You must be tired. You’ve been running through my mind all day.”
“Did it hurt? Falling from heaven?”
“Do you know karate, because your body’s kicking.”

Trust me.  I’ve had all of the above lines, and countless more, used on me and my response generally sounds something like this:

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… No.” (insert straight-faced emoticon here)

One other thing you do NOT want to do is imply that she is too good-looking or hot to be into whatever she’s obviously into. This is not a compliment, and it will get you shot down faster than an X-wing fighter outside the Death Star.

If you don’t want her to think you’re an ass, walk up, look at her face, and say, “Hi.” Do not stare at her tits. Do not try to touch her. Do not get all smarm-a-licious. Just speak to her as you would to any human being you didn’t want to fuck. Normal tone of voice. I know that for some of you stammering is unavoidable, and if you’re lucky she’ll find it as cute as I do. Make eye contact.

Once you get past the, “Hi, how are you?” stage, introduce yourself and ask her name. Make a little small talk, and then say, “I think you’re really pretty/attractive/neat/keen, would you like to get coffee some time?”

And I know that for many of you saying those words will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your entire life, harder even than reciting Hamlet in the original Klingon.

Prepare yourself for the eventuality that you will get shot down. Several girls will probably say no. Some will already have boyfriends, girlfriends or husbands. Some will be polite, some will be rude. Just be ready for that.

But some will say “yes.” Get her phone number or email address. Say thank you, feel free to continue the conversation, and in the next day or so, call or email to set up your coffee date. Try to restrain any victory dances until you are out of sight of said girl.

Okay, the coffee date is not a “date” per se, in my eyes. It’s more a of a pre-date, where the two of you talk and figure out if you want to actually go out on a “DATE” date.

On the coffee date, ask her questions about herself as well as talking about yourself. Also, talk TO her, not AT her. Go ahead and ask her what she’s into, be happy if you’re into the same things, do not make yucky faces if you’re not. Do not monopolize the conversation. Again, do NOT stare at her tits.

Be warned, while making it to the coffee date is a big step, it by no means guarantees a real date, nor does your treating for the coffee obligate her to date you, touch you or even speak to you again.

TOPICS TO AVOID
“All my exes are crazy.”
This is one you want to avoid (if you have exes) because either you’re a dick, or you make phenomenally poor choices, over and over and over. Neither of these things is a selling point. And the same goes for her. If all of her exes are crazy, this is a warning sign. You should probably thank her for a pleasant evening and then lose her number.

Past sexual experiences.
Coffee date, way too early for this conversation for most people. I say for most people, because I’ll talk about that to anyone anywhere after any amount of time. I have no shame. But most people do, and this has the potential to be a really awkward conversation killer.

Religion and Politics.
Apart from the most superficial of conversations about this. “I’m a Buddhist.” “Oh, wow, I’m Pagan.” Anything deeper than this is asking for trouble right off the bat. I mean, it’s good to know if you’re compatible on this level, but this is a touch early for that. Political and Spiritual differences are surmountable differences. I’m a Pagan married to a militant Atheist. It gets a little annoying, but it can be done.

However, if you are exceptionally rigid in this department, maybe it is good to get it out of the way early. I mean, if you’re a Puppy-raping, Baby-eating Republican* and she’s a Giver-Goddess, Liberal Earth Mother, odds are good that you’re NOT going to be able to get past it.

Other Women.
This includes you scoping out other girls, and her asking if you think she’s prettier than those other girls. Seriously. It is rude to scope out other chicks while you’re out with one, especially as early as the coffee date. And you don’t want to date someone who is going to ask you right off the bat, “Do you think I’m prettier than…?” And honestly, most Geek Girls won’t ask this. They might ask you if you think they’re better at Star Fleet Battles than that other girl, or guy, or whoever.

THE END OF THE COFFEE DATE.
Not getting a hug or kiss does not mean it didn’t go well. It may just mean that this girl is not casual about physical contact. Tell her you had a good time, and ask her if she’d like to go out again some time. Ask her if she’d like you to call/email. If she says yes, then hooray! Again, wait until you’re out of sight for any victory dances.

If she says no, then thank her for a pleasant evening, chalk one up to experience and get over it.

On the flip side, if YOU decide that you really don’t want to try to date her after this, do NOT tell her you’ll call if you’re not going to. Thank her for a pleasant evening, and if she presses the issue just tell her you really don’t think you’re that compatible, don’t have much in common, whatever.

The key to this situation, really, is to be honest. Be honest in how you present yourself. Be honest in what you say. Be honest about what you want. And that last is something we’ll cover in the next installment: I don’t EVER want to hear you say, “But I’m a Nice Guy.”

*Believe it or not, this is a term of endearment.