(Originally posted at Media Gauntlet)

Being as I’m a mostly-taken geek girl, the question I get most frequently from my male geek counterparts is, “Do you have a friend you can fix me up with?”

Sometimes I answer “Sure,” sometimes I hesitate, sometimes I answer with an unequivocal “No.”

There are reasons for these answers. “Yes” means I actually do know someone who is single and looking, and I think you’re an acceptable candidate, or maybe even that I’d date you if it were permissible.

“Maybe” means that I mostly find you acceptable and probably might date you myself, but that I don’t have any girls who are currently in the market for hot geek-on-geek action.

“No” means that I wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole,and ,even if I did have single friends, I wouldn’t introduce you to them on a bet. At least not that way.

How do you avoid being in this last category?

Here are a few very basic tips, that honestly I shouldn’t have to iterate here, but given some of my past experiences, I know I do. And, since several people have requested this column, I finally gave in and said, “All right, dead horse, meet my flogger.”

1. Hygiene. All right guys, right up there in the list of things I shouldn’t have to say but do is hygiene. Shower, every day. Use deodorant. If one brand doesn’t work for you, try another, and another. The same goes for soap and shampoo. Everyone’s body chemistry is different and what works for me may well not work for you. Frankly, my husband swears by Secret, all the Ph balance stuff they feed you in the commercials? Ph balance differs more from person to person than between genders, and you can get it in unscented, so don’t worry about smelling girly. Also, brush your teeth. And put odor eaters in your shoes if this is necessary. You don’t want to date girls who are icky and smelly; well, we don’t want to date stinky boys either. And if you’re not sure, ask someone.

Okay, so you don’t stink; now what do we do with you?

2. Clothes. Wear clothing that is clean, relatively neat, fits and represents you well. If that means jeans and vendor tees from work, so be it, as long as they’re clean. If you like ripped jeans and punk rock t-shirts, as long as they’re clean, or at least at a comparable cleanliness level to the girl you’re interested in. If you’re into comic heroes, manga, or gaming t-shirts, for fuck’s sake wash them, but wear them. Take your measurements and buy clothes accordingly. Clothing should not bind, cut or hurt, unless specifically designed to do that.

Human beings are the only species that can change their plumage at will to attract mates. Make sure you’re attracting the right ones. One minor note: t-shirts of women with immense breasts may not go over so well. This is not true for all geek girls, as I’ve noticed that we do have more than the usual percentage of bisexual girls in our numbers, but it is worth noting.

3. Hair. Clean, neat, in good condition. Find a hairstyle that jives with how much effort you want to put in to maintaining it. If you like long hair, great; condition it and brush it. If you like short hair, that’s great too. Just remember: if it takes the hairstylist 20 minutes, gel and a hairdryer to make it look presentable, it’ll probably take you twice as long.

3a. Facial hair. Again. Neat, clean, in good condition. This is a personal taste thing, but really, if you’re going to have the facial hair, make sure you can grow the facial hair and that it’s flattering.

4. The Batcave. Your home, abode, place of residence. Okay, I’m not even talking about sealing the deal and bringing her home. I’m talking about the cleanliness level of where you live and how it effects first impressions when you leave it. If you shower, do laundry and all of the above and your house / apartment / room smells like an armpit roasting in the sun, then that smell will attach itself to your clothes, skin and hair. Clothes and hair, especially are very good at trapping scents. I bartended in smokey nightclubs for several years, and I would have to go home and wash my hair every night, as the stench of cigarette smoke coming from it was just too much to bear. And odds are good you’re spending more time in your home than I did in the clubs or at least your clothes do.

Take out the garbage, clean the catboxes, do the dishes. Besides, if you do all this, that’s one less hurdle to taking the girl home once you do snare her affections.

5. Fingernails. I know this seems like a frivolous, nay even girly, thing to worry about, but I can vouch for the fact that girls care about this. Invest in a nail brush, particularly if you work with your hands and get shit under your nails. Seriously. Stuff under your fingernails can smell bad, and if you do get to some hot geek-on-geek action, can cause infections in your female partner that they won’t thank you for.

Also, file your nails; make sure they’re smooth. Run them over the skin of your cock, or someplace else similarly tender. If it hurts, then start filing, because, if it hurts there, it’ll really hurt on girly tender bits.

In Part II we’ll cover talking to the geek girls, what to say and what not to say.