Geek Girls Rule! #176 – Other People Have Played Duke Nuke ‘Em So No One Else Has To.

Duke Nuke Em, or why some people think guys never grow up.

Wow.  I don’t think I have ever read such a damning review of a videogame in my life.

Ars Technica’s valiant videogame reviewer, Ben Kuchera, has played Duke Nuke ‘Em Forever so that none of the rest of us ever have to subject ourselves to it.  I knew it was going to be bad, what with all the pre-release stuff about the “Capture the Bitch” level, and all that fun stuff.  However, apparently, thanks to Mr. Kuchera, we know how much worse than that it can get.  Things like the pee in a urinal and fish out poop level, the twins who give Duke a blowjob at the beginning, who later in the game after they’ve been raped and impregnated by aliens, beg Duke to save their lives while promising to lose the “babyweight” for him.  Yeah… The best part is that in order to progress you have the choice of killing the women yourself, or waiting until their alien pregnancies cause them to explode.

Yes, the women have to die in order for  you to progress in the game and no one seemed to think this was a bad idea.  The Geek Husband What Rules, on hearing about this said, “Wow, and I thought it was fucked up when you had to kill the surrendering German soldiers in that one Call of Duty game.”

I’d rant further and more, but honestly, Ben Kuchera said it all.  And I wish I could buy this man a drink to ease the pain of having had to play this steaming pile of shit.  But, as many folks have said, when a project kicks around as long as this one did, and between so many developers, the chances of it being even remotely good are somewhere between slim and none.  In the case of Duke Nuke ‘Em, apparently they’ve decided the only way to success is excess, and they’ve clearly exceeded even the lowest of expectations.

Remember we’ve got the GGR TwitterTumblr and Facebook page.

ETA:  Apparently Gearbox’s PR group threatened to blacklist people who gave Duke Nuke ‘Em bad reviews.  They have since backpedaled and apologized, but really guys?

7 thoughts on “Geek Girls Rule! #176 – Other People Have Played Duke Nuke ‘Em So No One Else Has To.

  1. Ouch.

    Re CoD W@W and the German soldiers… yeah, that was pretty fucked up and disturbing, but I understood it in the historical context of the game’s setting.

  2. Yeah, it was an Eastern Front setting, and The GHWR agrees it makes sense in context, but it didn’t make him feel any better about doing it.

  3. I felt pretty God awful when I hit the wrong key and threw a Molotov on them. Not a fun point in the game.

    Thanks for the warning about Duke. My current machine isn’t FPS friendly, so I wasn’t terribly interested anyway, but now I can warn those I know who are interested to stay away.

    It’s nice to see a reviewer not suck up the game company and call a steaming pile of crap a steaming pile of crap.

  4. good to know. I *was* kind of looking forward to this one, but ugh – knowing these things… not even remotely interested now.

  5. Yeah… Like I said elsewhere I had no hope for this. And like it says in that review, the sad thing is that the past Duke Nukem games at least had some innovate things going for them. And the two maps side by side? How much more obvious do you need to get?

    It just makes me SO mad that this sort of “humor” that involves treating women like objects, simply here for the pleasure of men then we can dispose of the, is still accepted, even EMBRACED in 2011.

  6. Yikes! Wow, thank you for pointing out the review and thanks be to Ben for reviewing this piece of crap. I only barely remember the original Duke Nukem as a comedic rip on Doom with someone who was badly ripping off Bruce Campbell lines from Evil Dead, but this thing sounds terrible.

    Capture the bitch? Fish out poop? Blowjobs? This sounds like a game that the makers of Spike TV or the Man Show would think is brilliant.

    I think I’ll give this thing a wide, wide berth. Like Bayonetta, it just reeks of sexist crap, and I’m not supporting it. Here’s to hoping the studio goes under, much as I hate to wish unemployment on anyone.

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