What the fucking fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck-fucking fuck?
GGR reader Rachel alerted me to an article in the awesome blog the F-Word about an article on a Videogame site about which is better, girls or games.
Ok, I’ll let that sink in before I get to the actual article.
The article can be found here: http://www.gamesradar.com/f/games-vs-girls-which-is-best/a-2008073011325861001 I’m not actually linking it. If you really want to read it, you go. But I don’t want their reader base bombarding me with stupid replies until I sprain my deleting and banning finger.
In the intro they acknowledge that most of their readers are probably male. Ok, given videogamer demographics, that’s probably a safe bet, particularly after perusing some of their other fine articles. You really want to subject yourself to that, go right ahead. Anyway, in the intro this charmer of a line comes out about games and girls, “You’ll spend a massive amount of time, and effort, not to mention money, trying to touch both.”
Sigh. Ok, already we’ve already established that they think that most of their readers are the kinds of guys who NEED to spend a lot of money to touch girls, and that girls need to be paid for contact. Good start.
First up in their comparison is “Availability.” And they’re, oddly, right. Girls, like games, are everywhere. When we make up roughly half the population of the planet we’re bound to be all in public and stuff. However, here’s where it starts to break down for me: “They’re laughing at unfunny scenes in films. They’re sucking their bellies in at the gym. They’re buying too-tight shoes in Steve Madden. They’re giving you the come on then wanting to ‘just be friends.’ They’re looking at pictures of Matthew McConaughey.”
Yes, because all girls… Do I need to say it? Really? If you’ve read this much of my stuff you should know that right now I’m willing away a fatal aneurysm with the sheer force of my mind.
Granted, they also demonstrate their low opinion of their male reader-base with this next line: “The globe is dripping with girls. And if you can’t get one there’s something wrong with you. It’s your fault. Yes it is. Make changes loser.”
Next is “Obtainability” and you guessed it, it’s all about, well, I’ll let their own words hang them.
“Contrary to popular belief, obtaining girls isn’t just about having money. There are many other equally superficial things too. Handsome face, good body, career prospects, what car you drive, where you live…”
Their list of things you should do to attract girls are be richer, handsomer, live somewhere cooler, yada yada yada… Whee.
The third criterion is “Quality.” Ok, the assessment of game quality is pretty spot on. Price doesn’t mean shit, and it’s highly subjective. “But what about the girls?” I hear you ask with bated breath. Wait, it’s coming. First, we compare girls to food, eh, idiotic but not the worst thing I’ve heard women compared to. Their spectrum runs from hippy vegans who don’t shave, to celebutantes. They then say that most girls fall in the middle of the spectrum and you’ll probably be happier with a girl somewhere in the middle. Ok, fine. But then they say if you’re going to date a vegan chick, make sure she shaves, and this gem “But horse-faced women are for British royalty only.” So, subjectivity is good for games, but not for girls. le sigh
Next category is “Time.” Yes, wherein they lament that if you land a girl (“Is your hand down her pants? Then you win!“) you will spend roughly 1/4 of your time doing stuff you can enjoy and the rest of your time doing shit you hate in order to get her to cook for you and have sex with you. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I think I just lost fourth grade.
Next category is “Cost.” And while they do go off on a diatribe about sacrificing cleanliness for more game time… Yeah… Wait for it: “As for money, be prepared to be bled dry. Dates include most if not all of the above: restaurants, movies, bowling, theatre, clubs, pool, vacations, comedy, meals, bike rentals, ice cream, presents, any and everything remotely fun. If you make it through a weekend with more than twenty bucks in your wallet, we salute you. If you can’t pay for most of these things, find a better job.”
HOLY FUCKING GODS DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKHEADS??????
Sorry, I’m ok, just had to get that out of my system. Ok, looking over at the super cute cat rolling around on his back begging for tummy pettins. Ok, we’re good. Happy place, happy place…
Oh dear Gods, I feel another “episode” coming on: “Ladies know they want an older man who owns property in a large city, dresses stylishly in suits with brand names and is hung like an elephant.”
Ok, let’s get something straight here. I read lad mags like Hustler and Bizarre. I love them. But this tripe…? I think I owe Maxim and Stuff an apology. I used to say they were the nadir of media. I have been proven wrong. Oh holy shit have I been proven wrong.
And then there’s this: “We didn’t even get into the inevitable times when you have “the talk.” Be prepared to lose at least a year off your life span for every time you need to avert a relationship disaster or listen to how bad a boyfriend you are. Worse than smoking, cancer and a punch in the throat combined, “the talk” saps all life force and eradicates any leftover will to live. Short answer: yes we still like you and no we’re not ready to commit. When we both realize life isn’t fun anymore, then we’ll move in together.”
Please, for the love of God, never, ever, ever, date another human being of any gender as long as you live. Seriously, I beg of thee… No one deserves to be saddled with… I have no words… I am speechless. The stupid has rendered me mute. But that’s ok, Mr. Geek Girl What Rules to the rescue: “So, this guy’s telling us he’s had to have the Talk with his hand?”
Ok, happy place, happy place, happy place…
Ok, the last category is “Reward” and I think I have just completely lost my mind. My psyche is trying to claw it’s way out of my skull in order to beat the crap out of me for making it read this article. Holy fucking shit. You know I’ve been trying to tone down the swearing in these columns, but this is just… Seriously, I just sounded like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Yeah, it has all the sensitivity you’d expect of any paragraph that includes the phrases “getting stanky on your hangdown” and “vag pounder.”
In conclusion, while Gamesradar does insult their male readers two or three times in the article, but it really is nothing in comparison with the huge steaming piles of “WIMMIN R SUPERFISHAL HOORS!!” that fill the rest of the article. Given just these few excerpts, which by the way are NOT taken out of context, trust me, this has to be one of the most stupidly misogynistic articles I’ve ever laid my poor, suffering, unfortunate eyes on. If you want to go read the article and try to argue that I am taking things out of context, then I shall award you the Gold in Mental Gymnastics for you shall have earned it. Seriously, and while they aren’t at all complimentary toward their own readers, but in a sly “we know this isn’t you, but if it is” sort of way, their attitude toward women is absolutely disgusting.
And it’s not funny. At all. Even a little. Not even in a “GASP! Aren’t they shocking?” sort of way. Not shocking, not funny, and about as clever as a… I can’t come up with anything unclever enough for comparison. This shit makes Larry the Cable Guy look good. I cannot believe I just typed that. I think I need a shower.