I have a love/hate relationship with Halloween. 

For starters, I’m a big ol’ Goth.  I have so much black in my wardrobe that light bends towards my closet.  My house is decorated with bats, black cats and ghosts year round.  I love excuses to dress up.  I love fall.  I love the cool crisp air, crunching leaves under my feet and everything pumpkin.

Ok, so where’s the hate coming from?

“Educational” Halloween programs.  If I never have to see Laurie Cabot, the Official Witch of Salem it’ll be too fucking soon.  According to these shows all Wiccans call themselves “MoonShadow Ravensfury,” waft about their backyards skyclad waving swords and talking about being “one with the creative power of the Goddess and the Universe” in breathy voices reminiscent of porn stars. 

i hate these shows

Mr. Geek Girl What Rules has declared that I am not allowed to watch them, because he is sick and tired of my standing in front of the television screaming, “Where do you get these assholes?  You’re making us all look stupid!  Stop it!!!!”

Oh, and don’t get me started on the “Vampires” who live their lives on the “Dark Side.” 

Seriously.  I was a bouncer and a bartender in a Goth/Fetish club for 8 years.  Most of the people you find there are awesome, relatively witty, intelligent people with a keen fashion sense and twisted senses of humor. 

Most.

As for the rest… Seriously, dude, a bolo tie is NEVER Satanic, and I don’t care how big the Baphomet’s Angel inscribed on it is, you still look like a tool.  Add to this the fact that, by and large, I think Satanists are just tools in general.  You’re just Christians trying to piss “Daddy” off, get over it.  And quit doing it in my clubs, wearing my clothes, making the rest of us look bad. 

There’s a reason we’re all snotty to you.  We figured out inside of a month that you had poor hygeine, little to no social skills, and the manners of a horny chimp on crack.  It is NEVER ok to touch someone without their express permission, let alone try to suck on their finger, because you’re “darque and mysterious.” 

The only mysterious thing about you is how you’ve managed to hold down your security guard job this long while claiming to be a Master of the Darque Arts.

Wow, that got awfully specific, now didn’t it? 

But back to Halloween.  You always get these shows with “witches” and “vampires” living the “lifestyle.”  GAG!!!! 

Look, here’s the scoop:  Most Wiccans are boring.  We are.  We have jobs.  We have hobbies.  We have lives.  We keep our clothes on.  We pay bills.  We do everything you do.  Really.  That’s it. 

As for the “Vampires…” I’m ok with a little blood-play between consenting adults in a safe and hygienic environment.  That’s all well and good.  A noisy, crowded, filthy bar is neither safe nor hygienic. 

I did a panel at a Sci-Fi Con last year about what sort of BDSM things in the Laurell K. Hamilton books were feasible for mere mortals and which were not.  My stock answer for the night was, “Why can’t you do that?  You are not a Vampire and it will kill you.” 

While I appreciate and understand an esthetic focusing on the darker and more macabre aspects of life, if you ask me to call you Vlad when I know full well your name is Tom, I’m going to laugh until I puke.  I can appreciate that role-playing is fun, and LARPs are great fun.  But that is not real life. 

Oh, and girls, he has NOT cast a spell on you.  If you feel compelled to obey his every whim as if he were your “Dark Master” (actual words from actual floozy in the club), seek fucking help.  I mean it, you are obviously not in a good headspace and could probably benefit from some fucking counseling.